The OB gave me a copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting. It had a whole breastfeeding section, which I read carefully. I wanted to breastfeed. I knew it was better, had immunities, less ear infections for baby, etc. Breastfeeding was best. Everyone should at least try it.

I asked around, got lots of advice, and none was very encouraging. I was told that babies didn't sleep as well when breastfed, that you have to practically undress in public to nurse, and it is gross to nurse in the bathroom (because "of course," you should be discreet after all and nurse in "private"). I was also told it would hurt like the dickens for a while and that I might bleed. 

My OB asked if I was going to breastfeed and when I said I was going to "try" (I was told by these knowledgeable people that some women can't breastfeed and I wouldn't want to starve the baby if I was one of those women), she told me that was wonderful and that she was glad I was going to "try."

We interviewed a wonderful pediatrician, who got glowing reviews from everyone in the know. He acknowledged breastfeeding was better, but said that plenty of kids on formula are healthy as can be, and that they have come so far from the "old days" of formula. He added that I should "try" to breastfeed.

The childbirth educator had us sign up for breastfeeding classes. One couple didn't, so she told them they should "try." If it didn't work out, there was always formula, but they should "try."

So I gave birth to a sleepy baby, three and a half weeks early, with low blood sugar and was told that I needed to give a bottle IMMEDIATELY, before I could even latch him on! And my perky nipples that had passed the squeeze test in month seven, were suddenly like pancakes. The nurses would help me "try" to nurse for a few minutes at a time, then sent me home with a nipple shield to "try."

After 3 weeks, a bout in the hospital with jaundice (where I was told I couldn't breastfeed because my milk could be causing this poor child to lie naked and blindfolded under lights ), and cracked and bleeding nipples, and an LC told me to "try" to pump for a day or two and rest my nipples. It worked great, the relief was incredible and I decided to pump for 6 months. "You could 'try' that," said the LC, "I know people who have."

I quit at four months. I had tried harder than anyone I knew to breastfeed, and everyone told me how amazing I was for "trying" so hard.

Then Daniel developed a milk allergy. It turned out that my husband's family has a HUGE problem with allergies, even a cousin who had to be on goat's milk, because he couldn't tolerate commercial brands. So we played formula roulette, cleared up the itchy eczema on his face, and went on. He grew out of his allergy around a year.

The next child came faster than planned and I asked the doctor about the chance of him having the same allergy as his brother and the doctor "wasn't concerned" about it. Maybe he would, but not to worry about it.

I figured I would "try" to breastfeed again and if it didn't work out, I would pump again, since it had worked "so well" last time. I had another sleepy, large, low blood sugar baby and flat nipples. I figured I would pump, while trying to nurse and if it didn't work for me, I could give him the next best thing: expressed breastmilk.

"Try him on regular formula before you try the hypoallergenic stuff," I was told by a doctor in the hospital. No use worrying about something that might not happen with milk after all. After an ear infection at 2 weeks, a crabby sleepless baby, and a trip to the ER for suspected Pneumonia at 7 weeks, I switched his supplemental formula to hypoallergenic and in 2 days I had a new baby.

I realized I needed to breastfeed. But how? I had given him so much formula, I figured I didn't have enough milk (which was "proven" by the fact I could only pump 2 oz at a time) I called the pediatrician's office and asked if there was such a thing as getting back your milk. She gave me the LC's number. The LC said I could "try," but it might not work, and I would have to keep supplementing and pump a lot.

I did get Ryan latched at 8 weeks, we nursed and pumped during the day and supplemented him at night (after all, we were told that breastfed babies didn't sleep as well, and we figured he needed his sleep, as well as us liking ours). He still got ear infections, even on the hypoallergenic formula and my milk. I asked the doctor if I should stop drinking milk. He told me I could "try" but he might be getting infections for other reasons and it might not work. By six months he was all the way on formula, but unlike his brother couldn't tolerate cheese or yogurt. We went on to have ear tubes at 11 months and eczema at 18 months. 

Baby #3 was a VERY unexpected blessing. This time I had learned. This time I refused to listen to all the information that was being given to me that contradicted what I had read. This time I educated myself thoroughly on breastfeeding from excellent sources. This time I chose to trust my instincts and what I had learned from my own mistakes. I did not plan to "try" breastfeeding. I was GOING to be breastfeeding.

I begged to get into the breastfeeding class early (the hospital didn't want you to sign up until you are 9 months along), I listened to the LC, I asked better questions, and I UNDERSTOOD, for the health of my baby, and for the good of our family financially (our formula bills ran about $250 a month on the hypoallergenic) I could not "try." I had to do it right.

Another sleepy, low blood sugar baby boy was born. I fought the bottle for as long as I could, but was bullied into a "bottle or NICU for tests" choice. I stuck to my guns after that, got help from a wonderful LC who never told me to try, she just assumed I would do what was necessary to succeed, and I read about formula. 

I am now breastfeeding a 25 month old. He has had 2 ear infections, only one of which warranted antibiotics. He has never had a patch of itchy skin, he has never needed a drop of mylicon for gas and has never, ever, ever, been constipated. He was given one bottle of formula after the hospital. I learned more about formula and he has never had another drop.

People can say I should have tried harder, I should have read different books on breastfeeding and they would be right. But along the way, why didn't people more knowledgeable than I guide me better? When I told the OB I was going to try, couldn't she have said, "Women who breastfeed get less breast and uterine cancer. You NEED to breastfeed." The pediatrician could have said, "Breastfeeding is vital to a baby in its first year of life Your baby will not be as healthy if he is on formula." When I called the first LC and told her I was just going to pump instead, why didn't she say, "Don't do that. Be patient and we can get you nursing in a matter of time". Why didn't the second LC I called crying because I didn't want my baby sick from formula have told me that I could help my supply rebound and get the baby back to breastfeeding alone? If she told me standing in traffic would get my milk up and Ryan off formula, I would have stood on the interstate! I was willing to do anything she said. There was no one who would TELL me, they all helped me "try" when I wanted to succeed - but all it did was give me a way out. When I got stuck, figured that I had tried , it didn't work, they said it might not, so I will stop.

I think of how hard I tried to nurse, and I honestly asked all the questions I was capable of. I sought help. I PAID for help! I see how easy it is for someone to be scared of nursing. They think that they cannot possibly work and nurse and decide never to try because no one will say to them along the way, "You NEED to nurse."

My experiences have changed my life. I have decided to put my knowledge and life experiences to work and am volunteering to teach breastfeeding classes for WIC. I hope to be the one, maybe the only one, that says to a new mother, "Babies don't need you to TRY and breastfeed, they need you to succeed."

05/2001